Childhood trauma, mental health, self-care.
Growing up, there was a lot of marital dispute between my parents. There was a lot of toxic Filipino drama. I was really exposed to a lot of that growing up. When my brother was born, things were okay. In Filipino culture it’s kind of frowned upon to get a divorce. I guess my parents just decided to stay together because they had two children. When I was six or seven, everything started to settle down. Things were good for a few years. But at the age of 12, I was sexually abused by my dad. It happened more than once but I didn't voice it until the very last time it happened. When I finally did voice myself, the very first person I told was my best friend. She didn't know what to do or how to feel. All she did was cry on the phone. She couldn’t believe it was happening to me. She asked me how I was going to school every day and acting fine. I told her that school was the only thing that I had. It was the only thing that I had control of, where I could really, truly be myself and not have to worry. Going home at the end of the day was just something I didn't look forward to as a kid. When I finally told my family, no one believed me. No one wanted to believe me. Even my grandma blamed me for it. She said it was because of the clothes I wore and that I should cover up. When I notified another adult about the abuse, I stayed with my grandparents for about three months. My mom told me to come back home and the solution was to put a lock on my door, and I was the only one with the key. After that, I had to pretend like nothing happened.
Looking back and reflecting, the boys that I dated were physically abusive, into drugs, and I was put through a lot of mental and emotional abuse. I didn’t know back then, but all of them were all different shapes and forms of my dad. Growing up, that was the only type of male model that I really had. I witnessed him physically and emotionally abuse my mom and made her feel like crap. Your upbringing really does mess with your adulthood. Because sometimes when you see and hear things as a child, it’s all you really know, it’s all learnt behavior. No one in my life at the time showed me what true love was, and how to be treated and respected.
When I was 20, I wanted to move out. I got into an argument with my dad and he ended up saying some really unkind things. I sat in my room and told myself that I couldn’t do this anymore. I can't be living in an environment where my mom is going to be trash talking my dad with me, but then when he's around, she acts like she loves him. I just didn't want to fake it anymore. I was tired of it. That night, I decided that I wasn’t living there anymore. I stayed up all night, packed 10 garbage bags and left. I had numerous conversations with my mom telling her that if she wasn't happy, she could leave him. I told her that me and my brother were there for her and that we could help her. But she chooses to stay with him, and I don’t’ know why, but she does. I haven’t talked to my family in 4 years. When I made that decision, I thought I would at least have a relationship with my mom and my brother. But I don’t. During time, I was in an abusive relationship and everything was so draining. I didn't know what to do. My mom was my best friend. When I left, she called me to come back home. But I didn’t. After that, when I would leave voicemails bawling, she wouldn't call me back anymore. She was under the impression that I left because I wanted to elope, this is what she told my family. I told her that the reason why I left is because of your husband. I don't want to live in that kind of environment. I told her I'm not capable of faking it anymore. That’s not the life I want for myself.
I was in a depressive state, and I had no support. Unfortunately, this drove me to the point where I attempted suicide. I ended up taking sleeping pills. I was just so tired, and I was in such a dark place. I had no one. I rented out a hotel room when I decided to do my attempt. I was really scared. I drank alcohol to put my mind at ease. I was just pacing the room with my headphones on and listening to music. I took one pill and I just kept going. The next thing you know, I was in the hospital. I woke up and all of my friends were around my bed crying, because I was on life support. This was my wake-up call. I told myself that I couldn’t do this anymore. I left a toxic environment and I'm still in one. And so, I left my toxic relationship. God gave me another chance; I might as well use it properly. I focused on myself and my loved ones.
When Eric came into my life, he showed me love, and made me feel loved. I feel like a lot of my self-love now is really taking the time to be okay with taking care of myself or putting myself first. I used to feel really bad about it. Through counseling, I’ve learned that I am not the only person that's gone through situations like this. We all have our own sorts of trauma or stressors that we've all gone through, and no one is more superior than the other. She helped me justify that it's okay to be feeling this way. I don’t have to feel guilty about what happened to me. I went through a lot of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). It helps me elaborate my thoughts to have more positive thinking.
Last year, I was hospitalized again. I went into a manic episode. This was due to being so stressed out about a court trial that I was supposed to have with my dad last year. I was scared to see my mom and my brother. Before getting admitted into the hospital, I already knew that I was ill. I went 3-4 days with no sleep. My thoughts and my speech were all very sped up. And I knew I was manic. Before it got worse, thankfully, Eric and I had the opportunity to create a safety plan. I told him, if it gets any worse, this is where we're going to go, this is what's going to happen, this is who you're going to call. I had all those resources. Working in the field, I just knew what to do. It all felt so surreal. Going into hospital was terrifying. I was full blown not myself anymore. It was hard all throughout 2020. But I was able to find my coping strategies. I’ve learned to really try and work with my illness. It definitely took a long time. But I could say that now I feel more at a stage where I am more at ease, more at peace. I still struggle here and there, but it's a lot better.
It really upsets me that just because there's a label attached to a person they're viewed automatically differently. I just want people to know that they're not alone in this. Anyone can be an abuse survivor, anyone can have a mental health disorder, the list goes on. Whatever you may be facing, there's always a light at the end. It’s just your own onus to make that light happen. Self-care is top priority. Whether it’s working out, eating your favorite foods, going for a bubble bath. It’s all very important. We’re so drawn to thinking negatively, we don’t tend to think positively right away. You just have to be around people who are positive in your life and just cut all that negativity out because you don't need it.
