What was one of the most pivotal moments in your life?
“Being in a specific kind of surrounding when you’re a kid, you’re conditioned a certain way. You don’t know anything other than being conditioned that way. To be able to treat yourself in a better light, or to see yourself in a positive light, you don’t think that you’re deserving of it. You don’t think you need to feel this way, but you do. You are deserving of it.
I grew up in a household with 3 older brothers, so I got treated like a boy. I was told I was like their littlest brother. My dad wanted me to be kind of girly, but he didn’t want me to date. My brothers were protective of who I dated. Being pretty wasn’t something I was allowed to do in the house. I didn’t identify with that either. My parents wanted to put me in dresses during special occasions and that felt awkward to me.
I didn’t want to stick out, I wanted to blend in with my brothers. If I stuck out, I knew was gonna getmade fun of. And that was it; if I was gonna get made fun of for everything that I did, I might as well just pick a fight with myself and be okay with it, before anyone else got to do it. It hurt more when it came from somebody else, than it is coming for me. I beat them to the punch line.
To me, that was normal. I didn’t see it as anything wrong; that’s just the way it was. If I can find a way around the negative emotional effects, then I’m gonna be okay and I can just do this for as long as I can. I didn’t know that that’s how I was conditioned, and that was just a normal part of my life. I didn’t start realizing it until a year or two ago. I had people who were around me that treated me like my brothers and my Dad, and I didn’t know.”
I got older and I had a really good talk with one of my coworkers. They said, ’No, when people give you compliments, you have to take them. You can’t tear yourself down before they even get to say what it is that they like about you’. If you start putting doubt in other peoples’ heads, then they’re gonna believe it. The way you see yourself and carry yourself is how people are going to treat you, or they’re gonna be drawn to you because they think that you can be a punching bag. Unfortunately, they’re gonna think that you can take the joke.
It started bothering me. I didn’t want to be talked down to. I didn’t want to diminish myself and I didn’t want other people to feel like it was okay to diminish me. Allowing me to break myself down, only gives permission for others to break me down. And, that’s what I let into my life for a very, very long time. It’s on both sides; they don’t know any better and they’re not aware of the fact that what they’re saying breaks somebody down, because it’s just like a norm. If it’s my norm, it’s their norm. But I don’t want that to be my norm, anymore.
Realizing that, I distanced myself from people who talked to me like that. Not having those people in my life was hard, because, these are people that have been around me the longest. It’s hard to try and break that. I try to keep it pretty even, in terms of how I carry myself in front of family, friends, and strangers. I want there to be a consistency between who I think I am and who I portray myself to be. Whether it’s written, talking, or interacting with somebody, completely. Everybody has a different self around those groups of people. I don’t want that. I want people to be like, ‘Jess is like this. She’s a happy person, she’s a positive person’. I don’t want that discrepancy where people would say they don’t know me like that. The way that I talk to a stranger is the same way I would be able to talk to my family, in a good way. It’s hard because I’m trying to be more aware of it, and then you go into situations where you’re in a conversation with people who have known you longer, before you started changing. Well it’s like, ‘Who do you think you are?’ Then they start tearing you down. Not because they think you’re shit, they’re just so used to it. It’s like being on autopilot. They don’t know how to treat you any differently. It sucks because you can’t hold it against them. But, it’s still not nice, and you know they wouldn’t be talking to anyone else like that. I’m allowed to be upset if I’m being talked to a certain way, but to them it’s like, ‘Well we’ve always talked to you this way’. It’s hard with them accepting that fact or acknowledging that I don’t want to be talked to this way. It devalues me, and it makes me devalue me. Which in turn, makes other people devalue me, and I don’t want that anymore.
It took a long time for me to step away from that and tell my brothers that I don’t like when they say certain things to me. They would kind of just justify it. They’re better now. I’m better at calling people out on stuff. I’m kind of timid and it’s in my personality to just let things go. It’s easier for me to know that people are the way they are and they’re not gonna budge on their idea. I’m not gonna fight them. It’s not worth my energy to be able to justify what I’m going to tell them. Whether I’m being rational or not, or whether they’re being rational or irrational, I don’t want to have to invest more if we’re not going to agree on something. If you’re doing something super hurtful, then I’m not gonna bother. Sometimes, it’s the tone of their voice, it makes me feel like I’m stupid and I’m not equal. I know my brothers are trying to look out for me, but if I were a stranger, is that how you would word it? It isn’t. But because they’re so used to it, and that relationship is based on ‘You’re my sister, I get to talk to you that way,’ That’s just all they know. You can’t wake up from habit. There’s a good thing out of this too; I love my brothers and we’re all different.
Accepting a compliment has been he hardest thing to learn. My normal response has always been ‘I’m not that great’ - I always have a backstory as to why it’s not as good as it should be. You are your own worst critic. It’s not even just that blanket statement, there’s so many layers as to why that is; how you’re brought up, who you surround yourself with, and then what you’re willing to accept and what you’re willing to acknowledge and change. That’s the big thing. Some people just don’t wake up to it. I’m so glad I woke up to it.
I was in a relationship with someone for two and a half years. He had his own baggage and I don’t hold it against him, but we were just two different people. He always told me, ‘You’re good at what you do, you just need to accept that and take a compliment’. I’m glad we happened, and I’m glad we ended. But, I’m also glad that at least he could tell me that, at a time where I needed to hear that. After he had left, even while I’m still learning how to take a compliment, I carry myself so much differently, compared to who I was two years ago.
That relationship alone took a lot of energy. It was tough, I did everything I could to try and make him happy without losing my sanity. I sacrificed my physical health, my friends, and my happiness. And again, you’re in that turmoil; you tell yourself you’re doing it for our own betterment, if he’s gonna change.
But, you can’t change people.
People can change, but, it’s whether or not they’re willing to. It’s all up to them. Whether there is a predisposition or not kind-of-thing, whether you’re getting help, professionally or not, or doing talk therapy; you have to be willing to do something. If not, and you’re complacent with your situation and it’s just not jiving with mine, then we have to part ways. I wasn’t ready to hear that 10 years ago, but I needed to hear it then, which was almost 3 years ago.
You’re beautiful and talented, walk like it is. Trying to accept the way you’re built, naturally, is not something media will let you do. So, I went into my 20’s that way, not loving myself. That seeped into my relationship. Again, you’re on autopilot and being toxic almost becomes okay. But, it’s not. And I’m old enough to know now, that’s my shape and I carry it.
I’ve done some amazing things that I’m very proud of, while I haven’t been in a relationship. Last year, I went to March For Our Lives and I drove by myself for 2 days. It’ was a student led protest. There was a shooting that happened in Florida where 17 high school students were left for dead. They organized a big march in Washington, DC, shortly after. There was nothing more right to me, than to go. I thought, ‘If there’s anything in my life that I have to stand up for, it’s for these kids’. I might just be one person, but one extra person can make up thousands of people. Just, something in me said that I had to stand amongst these kids and hear their stories.
It was so hard. It was a different experience, standing there and hearing their voices echoing through the blocks. A student started reciting each and every one of her classmates that passed. Then, she asked to have a moment of silence for 6 minutes and 20 seconds. Because, that’s how long it took for the attacker to kill 17 people. I couldn’t stop crying. You’re just amongst people who are like minded. I went because I want our neighbours down south to have the same sense of safety that we have here in Canada.
There’s so many things going on in our own neighbourhoods and in our community. I wanted to do the same thing here. The question anymore isn’t, what’s going on with our community, it’s what are we going to do to change that? I think taking the route of compassion gets you to those places, instead of being angry and holding people at fault. ‘What am I doing to help?’ You have to be willing to put good into the community to see good coming out. I knew I had to do something to help, so I held a fundraiser for Jamie Adao. I donated to the family, The Spence Neighbourhood Association and St. Rafael Wellness Centre.
When you find something in your heart that feels right, you just go for it. I’m from the West End and I grew up there. My Mom lives in that area. It could have happened to anybody. I still have friends who are within a block of what happened. I lived in a really rough part of that area.
My dad was sick for a really long time. He went from having tuberculosis, to being diabetic, to always having high blood pressure, he got prostate cancer, and then his appendix burst. He became prostate cancer-free, but it spread to his kidneys, so they had to remove one of them. He was a long-time smoker but after he got tuberculosis, he stopped smoking. Though, he was a smoker for 40 years. One of the last things he was diagnosed with was being terminal with Stage IV Lung Cancer, and was told he had 6 months to live. My brother just had a kid and it was the first grand baby. My dad didn’t see the kid for almost 2 months. He said if he saw the kid he could die happy. He comes from a generation where mental health issues are not something they talk about, you just deal with it. He internalized everything, both his physical pain and his emotional pain. He wasn’t the same person by the end of it.
I was still going through whatever I was going through, and I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time. I couldn’t cope with it, and I was super depressed and angry. My Dad was terminal...just everything. I was not a good person and I was not being good to myself.
I wanted to kill myself.
I tried putting a plastic bag over my head in the car, but that didn’t work. I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of Tylenol. In an hour, I had ingested 70 tablets. After 10 to 15 minutes, I knew it wasn’t gonna kill me, it was just gonna make me really sick. So, I called my best friend and she drove me to the emergency. This was 8 years ago, I was 22. I didn’t know who I was, I was still struggling with myself and the fact that I was losing my boyfriend at the time. My Dad was up on his 6 months, so we didn’t know when it would happen. He was still okay at that time, though. I was hospitalized then put in the psych ward for 2 to 3 days. My best friend had to tell my parents and my ex. I remember being there and reflecting. That was the turning point for me where I said, ‘I am the reason I am here. I am fully capable of changing this narrative’.
It took almost taking my life to realize that.
The biggest thing out of all of that was, when I saw people who genuinely cared about my well being, come in and try to hold their tears back. I thought, ‘I did this. I made everybody else worry about me and
my well being and that’s my fault. It’s my fault that I’m making people sad’. I was taking something important away from them. I didn’t see myself as important, but me being happy was important to them. I know it’s in me to be able to change that narrative and say I deserve to be happy.
The biggest mistakes in my life have been the best learning lessons. I wouldn’t be here today, and I wouldn’t be who I am, doing what I’m doing, if I didn’t make those mistakes. That’s my truth and I wear it on my sleeve. It’s shitty, I acknowledge that those are not good things, but sometimes, people need to do that to be able to grow. This was one of the most pivotal moments in my life.
It was a Tuesday, at about 7:00 AM. My Dad sounded like he was trying to get up. He was stomping on the floor, and he kept doing that. And, then he fell. We didn’t realize until 10 to 15 minutes of trying to get him off the floor that he was having a stroke.
He passed away 2 weeks after he was hospitalized.
He was in a room filled with my family. My Mom said he was going, so we all had to come to the hospital. He didn’t want to be on morphine. My aunt or my Mom told me to tell him that he could go now. It was such a hard burden and weight to carry, that, I didn’t understand why I had to be the one to do it. When I look back in retrospect, I was one of the youngest people, in that room. And in that room, there were people who knew him for 30 to 60 years. Even though they’ve had more time with him, they weren’t ready to let go. Going through what I had gone through 2 weeks before that, I was in a state of mind of fight or flight. ‘To fight for the right to be happy, I have to fight for the right to do this so that my family is happy’. I had to make sure they were gonna be okay to get through this because it wasn’t gonna be easy.
I came up onto his left side, held his hand, and held in the tears. I said ‘Dad, it’s okay. You can let go now. We’re strong, you taught us how to be strong. We love you but you don’t have to hold on anymore’. After 10 to 15 minutes, he passed. My brothers and I coped with it differently. We knew it was his time to go, but we didn’t want to let him go. He was never gonna have a normal life again. He lived a full life of 68 years and he ended up meeting my nephew. To be able to live to almost 70, I’m just grateful that he was there. We had our rough times, but he taught me a lot of things. He taught me how to ride a bike, how to drive, and if he didn’t treat me or talk to me the way that he did, I wouldn’t be who I am today. There are a lot of things that he taught me, and he very much taught me that you have to be good to people.
Just be kind.
It was just his way of showing love. It was different. Sometimes, it didn’t come out that way, but I know he had the best intentions, and I forgive him for that. I think for the first little while I held it against myself, because, the one thing I didn’t get to say was thank you. I didn’t say thank you for everything that he did, but he knows.
Those 2 things that happened within that 2 week span was a catalyst for me to make changes. Even how I treated myself and how I treated other people. After that happened, when I’m sad about something, I just think about the hardest thing in my life so far, was having to say goodbye to my Dad in a room full of people. Anything else that doesn’t reach that point, I know I’m gonna be okay.
Be kind to people, because you don’t know what they’re struggling with, at face value. My threshold for pain is different. That was the perspective shift, doing what I did to myself. I’m in control of a lot of things, more than I give myself credit for. I have to learn how to regulate my emotions and acknowledge them. I have to learn how to put a plan in place, so that I don’t stay in this hole of depression. So far, I’m still learning but I’m not the same person I was before I hit 23.
Are you willing to go past that line and say I deserve these things? Good enough is good enough for some people. I want better for myself, and that’s okay to ask for more, if I’m willing to put in the work. It’s a heart-on-my-sleeve kind-of-thing. Everyday, be grateful and be helpful. When I wake up in the morning, I ask myself ‘How I can change the world and how I can make a positive change in this world?’
Because, it’s not about me.
